I bet they have some diabolical machine. I wonder what it looks like?

Thank you for the introduction, Jennifer. A new example of the Bloomin' Onion(tm) Slicer can be had for $350 retail at "The Peanut King". This is an industrial-grade piece of restaurant equipment, which should give good service in the home kitchen.

One can read about the Bloomin Onion(tm) slicing procedure in detail at topsecretrecipes.com. Note the onion pictured in the machine itself, looking somewhat like a hapless hobbit head clamped into some infernal machine of Sauron's.